zenjones

My good friend is staying at my house for a couple days. Early this morning, we were supposed to go meet another friend for coffee. But I was no longer in the mood, so I went into his room, where he was sort of still asleep, and said, “I don’t want to go get coffee this morning.”

He started to sit up and stretch and he made a really loud noise. I said, “Shhhh!” just sort of automatically.

He said, “You are so weird.”

I said, “What?”

He said, “You and your husband are so weird. I talked to your next door neighbor and she said she wished you would make more noise so they could feel more comfortable making noise.”

I was speechless. At first, it hurt really bad. My best friend calling me weird! I had no idea!

Even just remembering this makes my arms and shoulders feel all heavy.

I left the room and went and sat on my bed. I watched the volcanic eruption: anger, blaming, justifying, striking back, resentment. I felt myself armoring up with tension.

So I started with blaming, and as I became aware of it, I cut it. And then justifying. Cut. And then anger. Cut.

Then there was a little analyzing, which was nice. I find it a refuge. That hurt lead immediately to fear: I had no control. I thought I knew how my friend felt about me, but he thought I was weird. And then the anger.

Oh, and the disconnection. That’s what I wanted more than anything–to just disconnect. I wanted to tell him to get the f* out of my house and leave me alone. Oh, it went on and on. But every once in a while, I could cut it, I could recognize that I was doing it.

Which doesn’t mean I didn’t take some lovely time out for revenge fantasies.

And so I am incredibly grateful to my practice. Because I didn’t say or do any of those things. I noticed. And I recognized that it was just me.

And I got on my bike and went for a ride, and even in the midst of all my turmoil, it was a beautiful morning in the wine country, and the angry moments shrunk down. And by the time I got back home with the groceries, I could concentrate on trying to stay connected. Even as my friend hovered around me, obviously sorry for what he’d said, and scared that I would be mad.

But the big deal for me is that I felt the hurt and fear first. For me, anger follows so quickly on those feelings that I never get to experience that hurt. It wasn’t pleasant, but it was real.

I’ve been feeling like time is just whooshing by. How can it be late September already? I came to Zen 15 years ago in response to that same sensation. Awareness practice really helped time feel normal–for a while.

For a few weeks now that speeding sensation causes me to feel a little panicky and cranky. It just feels like I’m on a roller coaster ride and it’s all I can do to hold on–much less experience anything.

It’s that out of control feeling. And I sure don’t want to actually feel it–so I turn to anger, which works so much better. But today my practice intensifier is to do the 3 Breaths Practice once an hour. I have a vibrating alarm set on my phone, and I’m also going to try to remember to do it as often as I can–especially when I feel that irritation come up. And then I’m going to say, “What is this?”

To get just a little closer to the actual thing I’m feeling. Even if it isn’t what I expect!

Feeling sorry for myself. It’s one of my things. It annoys me no end and it’s lead to some unwise decisions.

So today I will just notice it. Thanks to PP, I’ve got a little more distance. I can say, “It is feeling sorry for itself.”

So a couple people asked me for help… Actually I think I offered. So am I setting myself up for martyrdom?

No, don’t intellectualize. Just notice thoughts and feelings.

This morning I got angry at the computer, and, by extension, my husband. I am dependent on him for my tech needs. He’s really good at it–it’s such a luxury to have an expert system administrator…for example, I’m writing this on a bus in Chinatown! But I get so angry when tech things don’t work. What is the fear? This morning I was getting ready for a meeting, and it took longer than I’d planned to print out my notes. So I might be late for the meeting, and then the people I’m meeting with will notice that I’m incmpetent. Oh, it must be that worthless fear.

Again.

Yesterday, my menu item was “Be aware of self-consciousness.” 

I got my hair cut. As I sat in the chair, and I watched the young man cut my hair, I was self-conscious about wrinkles, and I noticed that a part of me thought that I was too old to be there, that I was somehow not worthy of this expensive haircut because of my age. I didn’t even know I had thoughts like that!

Later, while meandering through Union Square shops, the thought came to me again, that I should not be there, that I was not worthy of those expensive clothes.So it appears that one of my fears is of not being worthy, or of being seen as not being worthy. It makes my stomach hurt just to think about this.  

One of my favorite sayings on the Zen Center San Diego rotating aphorism  homepage is “Until you become intimate with your fears, they will always limit your ability to love.” And that is the reason I practice, “To become aware of the fears that block connectedness and love.”

And so my practice must be working.  I wonder if other zen group people are having their own Practice Period revelations.

Good lessons lately in my sneaky expectations. 

I recently quit my job at AAA. I gave them two weeks notice, they asked me to stay nine months, we settled on three months. So I’ve been off work for two weeks.

While  I was still working, I tried to notice when I was being in the future—after I was done with my work at AAA—instead of being present. It seemed like I was doing pretty well, catching myself occasionally, but for the most part not doing too much of what I call “Waiting for Godot.”

Hah! These last two weeks of not working have made it very clear to me that I had large, lumpy piles of expectations! Mostly that I would be all peaceful and have long chunks of time to meditate and be calm and cool and relaxed. And I have had some of those things. But any time I am not having long peaceful chunks of time, I am walking around with thoughts like, “This is just not right!” A couple temper tantrums, a few husband-blamings, and bout of jaw clenching, and I finally got it.

Oh, and a lot of those expectations? They were around Practice Period. I was going to be even more peaceful. Instead, I “had” to go to some really nice parties, which I couldn’t really enjoy because I was supposed to be somewhere doing more peaceful things. Meditating and stuff. And writing in my Practice Period blog, which was on my Practice Period contract. Which I totally reneged on the first two days.

So today I didn’t manifest anger. But I noticed it!

What was on your Practice Period menu today?