zenjones

There is a quote from Ezra in his new book about noticing how unkind you are to others, about that being a phase of practice. And I have hit it in a new way. Of course, it’s always there. But in practicing with anger, I have become aware of all its attendant and lovely incarnations: impatience, irritability, judgement, annoyance, blame. And oh, I do those. Sometimes it seems that I am only those. And I do them in relation to my husband. And I want to stop, just stop. I want a self-improvement program. But my practice is to just be aware of them, to experience the sensations in my body—both the initial anger reaction, and then the remorse reaction. Oooh, fun. But the sensations will not kill me. They are just uncomfortable.

I have been doing the 3 vows:

 

May I say yes to everything,
Going to the roots of fear.

May I be aware without ceasing,
Letting life just be.

May I see the face of God in everyone and everything,
Living from the heart of Being Kindness.

 

10 or 12 times a day, plus for part of my daily sitting period. I hate to say this but that darned Zen teacher was right: this breathing into the center of the chest does seem to be dislodging the stone that blocked my heart. How, I shall not question.

Each day I fall in love with a different vow.

But this—this self-loathing for the anger I direct at my sweet and kind husband—how is this the face of god? I believe it is the face of god because it is an experience that pretty much all humans have, and that I will come to accept. That, in fact, I accept in this moment. Not that moment. Just this one.

Next:

The face of god.