Another Monday. Another Non-manifestation of Anger Day.
Good lessons lately in my sneaky expectations.Â
I recently quit my job at AAA. I gave them two weeks notice, they asked me to stay nine months, we settled on three months. So I’ve been off work for two weeks.
While I was still working, I tried to notice when I was being in the future—after I was done with my work at AAA—instead of being present. It seemed like I was doing pretty well, catching myself occasionally, but for the most part not doing too much of what I call “Waiting for Godot.”
Hah! These last two weeks of not working have made it very clear to me that I had large, lumpy piles of expectations! Mostly that I would be all peaceful and have long chunks of time to meditate and be calm and cool and relaxed. And I have had some of those things. But any time I am not having long peaceful chunks of time, I am walking around with thoughts like, “This is just not right!” A couple temper tantrums, a few husband-blamings, and bout of jaw clenching, and I finally got it.
Oh, and a lot of those expectations? They were around Practice Period. I was going to be even more peaceful. Instead, I “had” to go to some really nice parties, which I couldn’t really enjoy because I was supposed to be somewhere doing more peaceful things. Meditating and stuff. And writing in my Practice Period blog, which was on my Practice Period contract. Which I totally reneged on the first two days.
So today I didn’t manifest anger. But I noticed it!
What was on your Practice Period menu today?
I hadn’t thought of it before I read your blog, but I had a lot of expectations around Practice Period too. My plan had been to put myself on a schedule in the mornings and evenings with set times to to specific activities like sitting, cooking and walking the dog, the idea being to create a sesshin-like atmosphere where I could be present instead of scattered and distracted as I usually am during these times. Schedule-wise, it turns out not to be much different from what I do anyway. So I changed my PP plan so that I do one activity a day to which I have resistance, like clearing my desk, for example, and do it with emphasis on being present: “just this.” I also choose a phrase each day to bring to mind when waking up or during times of duress. Today was “what is this?” day. Yesterday was “where is the naked self?” day. Tomorrow is “we would rather be ruined than saved” day. My expectations were that Practice Period would somehow be this clean, other-worldly time where I would be very organized and my practice would intensify in a graceful, orderly way. Not! Things come up, plans go awry, and, of course, I go to sleep. Still, PP jerks unsteadily forward. There is a tiny bit more awareness, a tiny bit more wakefulness (“tiny” being the key word here). That’s worth something.