Practice Period revelation. Sigh.
Yesterday, my menu item was “Be aware of self-consciousness.”Â
I got my hair cut. As I sat in the chair, and I watched the young man cut my hair, I was self-conscious about wrinkles, and I noticed that a part of me thought that I was too old to be there, that I was somehow not worthy of this expensive haircut because of my age. I didn’t even know I had thoughts like that!
Later, while meandering through Union Square shops, the thought came to me again, that I should not be there, that I was not worthy of those expensive clothes.So it appears that one of my fears is of not being worthy, or of being seen as not being worthy. It makes my stomach hurt just to think about this. Â
One of my favorite sayings on the Zen Center San Diego rotating aphorism  homepage is “Until you become intimate with your fears, they will always limit your ability to love.” And that is the reason I practice, “To become aware of the fears that block connectedness and love.”
And so my practice must be working. Â I wonder if other zen group people are having their own Practice Period revelations.
A few days into Practice Period, I realized that I was feeling guilty for not having an exemplary practice during Practice Period, breaking my contract a few times, for example. Not deciding on the day’s practice phrase until the last minute, then not remembering to use it for a few hours. Not sitting twice every single day. Bad, I thought, Bad Zennie! Okay, so here’s the revelation: it occurred to me that the guilty feelings, while perhaps not the preferred reaction to falling off the wagon, still indicated an awareness of Practice Period, and the bad feelings of self-judgment could be transformed into a heightened aspiration to practice. In “Zen Heart” EB warns us not to assume that because we feel bad our practice isn’t working (just as he warns us that feeling good doesn’t necessarily mean we’re more awake). So I’m not the model Practice Period practitioner, but I actually am practicing more than I was before Practice Period. That’s worth something, I’m guessing.