zenjones

Struggle struggle struggle with that Being Kindness Meditation and my distaste for those imaginary feelings, for pretending, for what seems to me to be the mainstream religions’ reliance on “Do what I say. I know best. I talk to god.” Sit down on my cushion with an interior grumble. Realize that I’m happy to be on my cushion with Susan, Ellen, and Carol there on their cushions/chairs.

But when I started the CD of Ezra’s talk (from 2004) on forgiveness, and I heard his voice, my heart just melted. How could I be mad at this teacher? He was so smart and accepting. I smiled inside. Maybe on the outside I had one of those little Buddha statue smiles.

And then Ezra asked us all to picture a person we had resentment for. I started to go to my usual suspect (a man I knew 20 years ago–pretty safe!) when suddenly a woman’s face zoomed into view and I realized that I’d been struggling with my resentment for this person for weeks. It had just been in the background, hiding behind the main scenery, due to over-painfulness.

So I kept her in mind as I listened to Ezra. And I was aware of this sensation of something pushing against my face, my nose, my mouth, and my chest, every time I thought of her. And right then, Ezra said, “Be aware of the wall you have up.” That’s it! It was a wall.

He’s so smart.

In my meditation group we are studying the being kindness meditation in Ezra Bayda’s book, Zen Heart. Ezra is my teacher, has been my teacher for eight years. He is a very good teacher.

Before Ezra was my teacher, I lived in Boston and read daily in Joko Beck’s two books, Nothing Special and Everyday Zen. These books, especially Nothing Special, spoke to me in ways that no other had. Every statement rang true, and I felt that for the first time in my life I had found a practice that overlaid perfectly my own spiritual thoughts and beliefs. (more…)