zenjones

Not drinking was not that hard. I thought it would be—I have a nightly glass of wine. It’s a signal that it’s time to put away the work and relax. But that part wasn’t the difficult part. It was the not joining in with the crowd. I went to a work event down at Hal Riney on the Embarcadero and never quite synched up with the other attendees, who were all drinking. But as far as my practice, it was good to notice the way I use these external cues to not experience the moment. And how hard it is—especially at a social event where I am often self-conscious and shy—to stay present to those feelings.

Tonight I’m going out to dinner with acquaintances I don’t know that well and feeling grateful already for the promised glass of wine.

But this week—the last week of practice period—the comfort I am giving up is reading. Though today is only the first day, and it’s only 9 a.m., I have already become aware of how I use this habit for comfort.

Last night I found myself awake at 2 a.m. and unable to return to sleep. My normal habit is to read on my iPhone ’til I fall back asleep. It usually works pretty well, but even if it doesn’t, I don’t much care because I’d rather read than most anything.

So I lay there practicing with it, and doing my nightly reflection in more depth. It was difficult to be grateful—I was cranky. As 3:30 rolled around, I decided to cancel my workout that was scheduled for 6:00 so I could sleep some more, and I fell back to sleep.

And now I find myself thirstily reading online, trying to drag myself away from The New York Times. Also, I caught myself unconsciously reading a New Yorker. I go now to hide them from myself.

This week is going to be difficult.