zenjones

I chose the job in San Francisco.

And now that I’ve chosen, that little anxiety buzz that kept me inflated has seeped out and I’m sad and tired. I mean, I’m happy about the job. It’s a good job and I’m looking forward to starting.

But with saying yes to that, I had to say no to the cool job in Boston, and good-bye to my women-in-business group today, and good-bye, really good-bye to the dream of my agency in Healdsburg. I mean, of course I said good-bye to that in April. But now it’s really real.

I thought that once I’d decided, life would be a round of happy excitement. And planning, wonderful planning. But my practice period awareness exercise—that one of noticing my planning behavior—seems to have taken that away from me. In fact, my husband is planning like mad, and I’m reading it as an indication of his own slight anxiousness.

We had a great group meeting on Wednesday. We talked about forgiveness, and it was so interesting, everyone’s different take. I had a really classic forgiveness experience earlier this summer. I printed out Ezra’s forgiveness meditation (from At Home in the Muddy Water) and made it part of my daily meditation for a few weeks. After 4 days, I noticed a little shift in my resistance; and after a couple weeks I felt pretty good about it. Good enough that I noticed when that resistance came up again and I pulled out my crib sheet.

I feel very good to know that I have that crib sheet. That I have a group like ours where I can go and talk about these very important subjects that don’t seem to get discussed anywhere else. Thank you all. I’d say I’m sorry that I won’t be able to attend Wednesday night sittings anymore, but I didn’t really go all that much. However, I’ll still be around on weekends. And I’ll be updating the website!