zenjones

It’s only been five days and I’m feeling like an addict, going through withdrawal. I don’t know what to do with myself. I come into the bedroom (where the TV is) and I just sort of stare in that direction. I knew that I was using TV to self-medicate to some degree, but I didn’t realize how much it helped me stay asleep to my pain. Now I know. Thanks a lot!

Of course, I have books and the Internet. I have distractions. But TV was my evening drug of choice. As long as I could zone out, I didn’t have to face these feelings of worthlessness.

To the five questions:

1. What is going on right now?
2. Can I see this as my path?
3. What is my most believed thought?
4. What is this?
5. Can I let this experience just be?

My most believed thought is that I should be comfortable. I want to go in the other room and whine at my husband. Something along the lines of “I am useless I am worthless nobody loves me.” And sob. And then maybe he’ll make me a cup of tea—or a big glass of whiskey!—and then do something to distract me from… me.

But I have found a book, a good distracting book. Will I just go there? Just replace one soporific with another? But shouldn’t I be feeling these yicky feelings? I can only take so much. Maybe three breaths. Okay, I’ll take three breaths.