zenjones

I’ve avoided following my practice period commitment as much as possible. I was out of town and off the grid, I was busy at work, I was… scared. The last one I didn’t really know about, but today I experienced that fear viscerally.

And oh boy did I try to avoid that.

My primary gap is that I avoid experiencing the pain and fear around feelings of worthlessness and failure. I have a really good example of failure to practice with. But did I? No. I was just too busy.

But today I came face to face with that failure situation and the feelings I have all around it. Thank you, Facebook. I received a notice from the person I blame for that failure—all about her success. Oh, my stomach roiled. Oh, the believed thoughts I had! And how my core fear was activated.

I decided I better go look in the fridge and see what we had to eat.

Halfway to the kitchen I said, Hey wait! This is just that opportunity you’ve been looking for, you lucky girl! So I went back and sat on my pillow and stayed with it.

It was horrible: nauseous, difficulty breathing, a clot above my sternum, aches across my shoulders, spikes behind my eyes, and a tightening around my throat. And the thoughts were all blaming, vindictive, ugly. I had this moment of clarity wherein I thought, “So that’s where all these thoughts come from!” And then I went on to wish that I could get rid of them… Realized I was adding something, and went back to the sensation in my body. Thought of suicide—which really surprised me. Thought: I. Don’t. Want. This. I don’t want to be this person. I sat there in the miasma of thoughts and sensations as long as I could. My brain kept wanting to take me away: it came up with images of success (I just got a promotion, I have a wonderful marriage and fabulous friends) and I wanted to follow it there because that is much more pleasant than WorthlessFailureLand. But I came back and I came back and then I said, If you come back one more time for three breaths you can think about what you’ll make for dinner.

Here’s something I found interesting: I really didn’t want to write about this. I really didn’t want you to know this about me. I am not this kind of person.

Except I am. And now you know.