zenjones

Planning is my safety net. When things get tough, I start planning. I revel in the illusion that, with enough planning, I can control my life. When I label my thoughts, I mostly say, “Planning. More planning. Planning again.”

I’ve whittled the job choice down to two, one in San Francisco and one in Boston. On Wednesday, I talked to my possible future employer in Boston and told him what I wanted and described my imagined role, and he said, “Yes, yes, whatever you want!” And I was pretty excited. I was convinced my decision was made. And I dove right into the delicious planning behavior. I found apartments, I made lists (get PO box, cancel newspaper, plan monthly visits back to Sonoma County to coincide with Ezra’s visits, etc. Etc. Etc.). I felt this really lovely buzz right under my skin that felt just like my favorite drug only without the jagged edge. I was in the zone and I was determined to stay there.

But when I woke up the next morning, before I could get the planning walls in place, I felt this big wad of soggy sadness right in the middle of my chest. And right behind my face bones, barely contained by them, was a pool of tears. I suddenly realized I’d be leaving my husband for six months (at least). It was a fact I’d hidden from, behind all that planning.

And so this weekend, as I ping pong between the coasts, I am stopping myself from planning. Yes, I try to go there, but for just today and tomorrow I’m giving my body a chance to tell me it’s secrets, and letting my planning brain take a little vacation.

Earlier tonight, as I described my job in Boston to my husband, I got very excited. That’s real, as real as the fact that I won’t be waking up next to my husband if I take that job. Being aware of these little facts, not planning, doesn’t really make the decision easier. It just gives me more information, makes the decision more authentic, and maybe, when I wake up crying in Boston because I miss my husband, I won’t be surprised. Or if I wake up crying in San Francisco because I don’t get to create a new company in Boston, I won’t be surprised.