zenjones

I am so in love with this phrase.

At least twice last night, it showed me my fears. Which is my goal!

One time, I was waiting for my husband to call. I have a most believed thought that “He’s always late.” So, I rush home, and wait by the phone. 15 minutes go by. I’m heating up.

It has been thus for 16 years. About 10 years ago, I pretty much stopped reacting. But still, I’d steam. I also got curious about it. I explored some other thoughts: my father thought people who were late were trying to bolster their self-image (“See, I’m so important that I can treat people rudely and they’ll still wait for me”). That doesn’t sound like my husband at all. He’s more the absent-minded professor-type.

But last night, I noticed myself getting agitated, some tension in my neck and around my mouth. I was all confused, too, about what to do, how I should feel—a sure sign that something is going on.

So I asked myself, “What is my most believed thought?” And I realized that it was, “I am not worth treating respectfully.” Even now, just writing that, gives me a little thrill of anger, shame, and sadness. I am worthless. One of my most painful believed thoughts.

Er, where was I?

Oh, yes, I just love “what is my most believed thought?” Because after I experience those sensations, after I recognize what it is, I can remember that “most believed thoughts” are just that: thoughts. They are not this: the truth.