zenjones

Oooh, I just had a flare up of anger. Wonder what it was all about. Heat in my chest, moving up to my throat, where there was a closed sensation, plus some agitation, a generalized buzz. My core belief was, “How dare she imply that this simple act I’ve asked of her is an imposition! After all I’ve done for her!” Oh, and then on to the martyr, “I give and I give and when I ask one little thing…” Hah!

But I think the underlying fear was “I’m not worth her time; I’ve known all along that I don’t deserve for people to do me favors, but now she’s found out the truth. I’m worthless.”

Deep breath. Still a little shaky-buzzy. Feel like crying.

I’ve decided that the real gap in my practice is that spot right there—the fear before I cover it up with the anger and the justifications and the lovely all-purpose martyrdom.

No wonder I don’t want to go to that spot. It feels yucky, scary, heavy, bad. But the truth is, not going there just gives it more juice. And it’s a passing thing.