Sesshin impressions
When the coyotes howled I noticed a pleasant tension in all the large muscles of my body. Not as if I had to do something right then, but just telling me to be ready. I realized that that tension is often there when I am in the wilderness—but I’d never noticed it before.
Observed how I began to salivate as we pulled out our eating bowls, just a little, but my body knew the food was coming. Enjoyed the waiting, the attempt to take just enough so we could all finish together. Amused by the way I judged those who did not do this.
As jisha, had many opportunities to notice how I judged myself—and justified, and blamed, and whined about my martyrdom—and others. Though actually less about others; they were my charges. It was my job. As a manager (in business), I think in terms of “What does this person need to succeed?” and so when people came to me with needs, I clicked into work mode.
I was smug with being awareness, thought to myself, “I have the time, the space, the reminders to be aware. Look how aware I am!” And kept being brought up to face my un-presentness: not noticing that a first-time sesshin attendee didn’t know where the kitchen was—even though she was my roommate, for example.
I had real remorse for not maintaining silence. In the past, I’ve been pretty strict with myself about this, probably from a desire to be a good zen student. But as jisha, there is some functional talk necessary, especially with a sort of complicated daisan system. But sometimes I went beyond that, and I realized the disservice I was doing to others by pulling them out of their silence. Wanting to make them more comfortable, I didn’t allow them to take the most advantage of sesshin by residing in their discomfort. Wanting to make them like me, I didn’t allow myself to take advantage of residing in my fear of being disliked.
And so much gratitude for all this, for the camera exercise, for the work of all those who came, for our teachers, for the luxury of that time. For the sound of the crow’s wings as they beat across the yard.
What were your impressions of sesshin? Please leave them in the comments.
The one thing that seemed to make the greatest impression on people was the coyotes howling, especially during the morning carillon song (the first morning, they all started yipping during the final chords of “The Sound of Music,” whether in approval of disgust being a matter of opinion).
One person remarked during shosan that if the coyotes had been howling in the middle of the zen center’s usual San Diego neighborhood, someone would have called the police.
I thought, why is all this coyote noise so appealing to us in this retreat setting, while much of the noise of our fellow humans in regular life is so annoying? Will I someday be able to see the people I label as obnoxious whiners as coyotes expressing their life?
Did anyone else want to giggle when they realized it was Sound of Music??
🙂
I got to sit with my planning mind and got to a little of the tension beneath it. Wanting to please, wanting to be efficient …. why?? I think it’s just such old, deep conditioning and there’s always going to be a part of me that simultaneously wants to make Dad proud and not do some little thing wrong to throw him into a tantrum. I also got to see my busy busy persona as a strategy to avoid feeling the tension. and I saw myself getting a little resentful when I found myself doing other people’s jobs (there’s that codependant cycle again — next day I let them do it their way and of course it was better that way). I also felt grateful at all the help I got. What a mix of feelings!! It’s great practice to have a job like head cook!
I had a little remorse come up at the end of sesshin for something I did almost 30 years ago. It feels so good after – like there’s a band on my chest that loosens a little.
Of course there were wonderful present moments of noticing sun and shadows and nature. I get that in town too, but it’s just easier at Questhaven.