Celebrate non-manifestation of anger day!
Today I was surprisingly un-angry, un-resentful, un-irritable. It was a highly-scheduled day—I think that when I’m doing, I’m not so apt to find comfort in the distraction of anger. I already have the distraction of busy.
I was pretty much asleep-in-the-Zen-sense all day, caught up in my personal drama of doing, doing, doing. But there was a break after a job interview and before dinner with my goddaughter when I went to the plaza in Mill Valley. I bought a book and sat in the waning light, one of the last summer evenings. The sound of children laughing and crying, of parents talking, balls bouncing, and cars driving by mixed with the warmth of the sunshine on my face. I could see a Pistache tree, halfway between green and brilliant orange. It was a heart-wrenching external manifestation of the day, my life right now, and maybe life all the time. I go along thinking this is my life, and the next second, it’s something completely different.
The only thing I remember being resentful about was when I fulfilled my commitment not to read while eating. I was angry at Ezra! It was all his fault I couldn’t do my normal, mechanical behavior.
Thanks, Ezra!
Today I will be aware of borders. Like the border between summer and fall.
Hi Santa Rosa friends,
Virginia,I’m enjoying your posts. Thank You for doing this. My practice period will be my 3 month retreat @ the Insight Meditation Society in Barre, Massachusetts which will start Thursday evening. I decided not to focus on anything in particlar and just try to be with the 3 months of practice.
I’m visiting an old high school friend who lives outside of Boston and I’m typing this in the North Station train station waiting to catch a train to Concord.
My travels across the country from Sacramento to Massachusetts have gone well. I did 3 9-day retreats in Southern Colorado @ a Tibetan Retreat Center in August. I enjoyed the 3 weeks plus of camping I did there. It was a beautiful setting on 700 acres of land.
During those 3 retreats I saw my poor me story really clearly for the first time. Normally I have a period after retreats where I have a strong sense of the benefit I’ve had from doing a retreat. I haven’t had that so much with my time in Colorado and I think it is because instead of returning to my so called normal life I hopped in my car and drove a couple thousand miles across the country visiting friends and family.
I’ve never driven across this country. I’ve often been stunned by it’s beauty. I’ve also experienced a lot of gratitude for how easy it is to travel in this country provided you have a car.
My visit to the small town in Pennsylvania where I was born and raised has been the most difficult. My 87 year old father is in a nursing home with dementia. The first night I saw him he was pretty confused and I don’t think he knew who I was. As I spent more time with him I sensed that he knew me. I spent almost a week with him and I think I saw him at his best and worst. It was a good reminder for me of how quickly our lives go by. It also reminded me of how difficult it is for me to stay with my feelings of sadness, loneliness etc.
I’m still in awe that I am able to be doing all of this retreat work and traveling. As I share with friends and family what I am going to be doing for the next 3 months the silence seems to be what most people have trouble comprehending! They just can’t imagine not speaking much for 3 months.
I hope all of you are doing well. As I did my retreats in Colorado I felt a deep appreciation for all the groups I’ve sat with. So all of you were with me and will be with me @ Barre.
Take Care,
Patty Hawes