Labeling
Having a thought that I’m not a very good thought-labeler. Hey! I just did it! Okay, having a thought that I’m not that bad of a thought-labeler.
It is just so interesting to me the strength of my desire to be elsewhere. Anywhere else but where I am. In the morning I look-forward to sitting. And then I set down and say my practice intention and take a breath or two and suddenly I am looking-forward to waking my husband up! How does that happen?
We have a new-ish student in our zen group. During sharing he recounts how hard he is working to be present. He sounds amazed that he can’t do it—can’t be present all the time. During sharing, we don’t have cross-talk. It is a time to talk about your own experience of practice. But it is all I can do not to say, “I’ve been doing this every day for 15 years and I am still only present for a tiny part of any day!”
Exactly. The pull to be elsewhere so powerful, like being carried away by huge waves. But they’re silent and stealthy and I don’t know I’ve been shanghaied till I’m returned. Dumped on the shore and back into the present moment.
Yesterday, while hiking in the gorgeous fall weather with my happy dogs and reciting the walking gatha, found that I’d been ruminating anxiously on my future employability for probably ten minutes! Ten minutes walking through paradise so completely lost in the self centered dream it’s a wonder I didn’t just tumble down the hillside. Simply amazing. And, of course, then the inevitable addition: “I am such a stupid person and lousy Zen student.” The time spent conscious measured in nanoseconds, but who’s counting???
Susan