First day of practice period 2009
My expectation was that I’d be all zen-like, present, and with a little Buddha smile on. My overall practice concentration is thought-labeling, to help me be aware of my gap, which I consider to be my unwillingness to sit with fear. I revert to anger, and that has never done me any good.
I haven’t been zen-like today. I’ve been cranky and defensive and suspicious and many other un-zen behaviors. I try to be aware, but you know? Self-righteousness is a lot more fun.
Last night I explained our practice’s thoughts about fear, starting with Ezra’s great article in Tricycle, to my husband. He is not a  Zen practitioner, but he is a good listener. Certainly when I was done I felt like I had it all goin’ on. I understood how my conditioned fears transformed into thoughts and sensations which made me uncomfortable, so I got mad, and blamed him. It seemed so obvious, so easy to be aware of.
But by this morning I was all wound up again. He said some innocuous thing which I could somehow interpret as dangerous or insulting, and I reacted with anger, and sheesh.
So now I am practice with guilt and self-judgement. There’s always something useful for practice. Period.
Well, talk about guilt and self-judgment, I plum forgot it was Practice Period. Seriously, though–actually that was serious, so more seriously–it’s a stroke of luck to be able to start PP grappling with something. Like breaking the bottle on the side of the ship.
Struggling just to acknowledge that PP has begun. I’ve reviewed over and over the practice possibilities….and it all becomes overwhelming. Yikes…no commitments on paper yet! PP day #2…here we come.
May I just say, Virginia, that you’d seldom seemed more gentle, human and approachable than you did on the day you describe when you got into my car saying you were afraid to be with anyone because everything that came out of your mouth seemed to backfire and cause harm? Is this the fruit of our efforts to be exactly who and what we are at any given moment? Seems our barriers crumble at that moment of exposure and acknowledged pain, at least briefly.