{"id":320,"date":"2010-10-23T07:47:24","date_gmt":"2010-10-23T15:47:24","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/zenjones.bravoecho.net\/?p=320"},"modified":"2010-10-23T07:47:24","modified_gmt":"2010-10-23T15:47:24","slug":"practice-period-avoidance","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/zenjones.bravoecho.net\/?p=320","title":{"rendered":"Practice Period Avoidance"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"legsoutwindow\"I’ve avoided following my practice period commitment as much as possible. I was out of town and off the grid, I was busy at work, I was… scared. The last one I didn’t really know about, but today I experienced that fear viscerally.<\/p>\n

And oh boy did I try to avoid that.<\/p>\n

My primary gap is that I avoid experiencing the pain and fear around feelings of worthlessness and failure. I have a really good example of failure to practice with. But did I? No. I was just too busy.<\/p>\n

But today I came face to face with that failure situation and the feelings I have all around it. Thank you, Facebook. I received a notice from the person I blame for that failure\u00e2\u20ac\u201dall about her success. Oh, my stomach roiled. Oh, the believed thoughts I had! And how my core fear was activated.<\/p>\n

I decided I better go look in the fridge and see what we had to eat.<\/p>\n

Halfway to the kitchen I said, Hey wait! This is just that opportunity you’ve been looking for, you lucky girl! So I went back and sat on my pillow and stayed with it.<\/p>\n

It was horrible: nauseous, difficulty breathing, a clot above my sternum, aches across my shoulders, spikes behind my eyes, and a tightening around my throat. And the thoughts were all blaming, vindictive, ugly. I had this moment of clarity wherein I thought, “So that’s where all these thoughts come from!” And then I went on to wish that I could get rid of them… Realized I was adding something, and went back to the sensation in my body. Thought of suicide\u00e2\u20ac\u201dwhich really surprised me. Thought: I. Don’t. Want. This. I don’t want to be this person. I sat there in the miasma of thoughts and sensations as long as I could. My brain kept wanting to take me away: it came up with images of success (I just got a promotion, I have a wonderful marriage and fabulous friends) and I wanted to follow it there because that is much more pleasant than WorthlessFailureLand. But I came back and I came back and then I said, If you come back one more time for three breaths you can think about what you’ll make for dinner.<\/p>\n

Here’s something I found interesting: I really didn’t want to write about this. I really didn’t want you to know this about me. I am not <\/em>this kind of person.<\/p>\n

Except I am. And now you know.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I’ve avoided following my practice period commitment as much as possible. I was out of town and off the grid, I was busy at work, I was… scared. The last one I didn’t really know about, but today I experienced that fear viscerally. And oh boy did I try to avoid that. My primary gap […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[4,9],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-320","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-fear","category-practice-period"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/zenjones.bravoecho.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/320","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/zenjones.bravoecho.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/zenjones.bravoecho.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/zenjones.bravoecho.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/5"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/zenjones.bravoecho.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=320"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/zenjones.bravoecho.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/320\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/zenjones.bravoecho.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=320"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/zenjones.bravoecho.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=320"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/zenjones.bravoecho.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=320"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}